Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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