So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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