Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
