all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
