I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
