im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
