I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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