I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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