Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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