i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
