this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
