I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Mom said you looked used
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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