Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
