life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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