Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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