i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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