I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
