Got a toothbrush?
My hand turned me down
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
