I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
