Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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