tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
