you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
