??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Enjoy the penises
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
