It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
