and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
