Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
