6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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