DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
