hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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