gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
