Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
