I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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