i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
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