So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
