Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
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You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
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I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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