if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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