plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
