I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
