went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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