I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's shark week go big or go home
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
