you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
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i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
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THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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