the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
