So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You ruined the universe
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
