Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I wish there were birth control emojis
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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