After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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