I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
