beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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