I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
