His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
