I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
