So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
