Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
