you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
