My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
