her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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