Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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