Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
