Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
