You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
