If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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