Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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